Being Better.

10 miles

90 minutes

What is enough?

When did my mindset get set in this pattern, this feeling?

The hardest part of both time off and then rebuilding is developing new patterns. It’s developing a new routine, one that is not running focused. One that doesn’t make running the largest part of my morning.

New habits are hard. How did I get here? How did I go from just getting out the door and doing a loop of the park, to making 10 miles my normal? Why is it so hard to break the cycle?

I’ve been struggling. Struggling with rest, with downtime. I don’t realize it until I’ve been moody for a week and my autoimmune condition reappears, which means my immune system is weak. I don’t realize it until it literally smacks me in the face and I feel like crying. Again.

I began another training cycle on Sunday. What seems exciting is also producing some anxiety because I just don’t rest well. When I struggle in one area, it bleeds into other areas and I get into this negative thought cycle of how useless I am. That feeds into how I take care of myself, which to be honest, means I simply don’t pay attention to the little things.

Getting enough, taking the time to enjoy things, recovering completely.

These things really build up, they’ve already built up and I barely started training.

I don’t take care of myself when I’m not running. It’s not an obvious choice, I just don’t pay as much attention to things. I let myself lag.

I’m frustrated because I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to be better.

Since Sunday, I’ve been better. I’ve rested. I’ve eaten a lot. I’ve set myself up to succeed, to deal with downtime. I will be better. I have to be better.

10 miles, 90 minutes, meaningless markers.

I will be better.