Bright Spots

Bright spots.

Age 0-7

I remember waking up early on Sunday mornings and some days we were allowed to swim before breakfast. Mom would be making fruit salad in the kitchen and we could play before we ate. I remember not really enjoying the peaches she mixed in because they made my lips pucker. I preferred the grapes and melon the best. On rare occasion there would be strawberries which I would try to pick out for myself. The water was warm, sometimes warmer than the air. In the pool somehow I forgot to be self-conscious about my body in a swimsuit. I was a mermaid or dolphin searching for treasure or my prince behind the stairs. Mom would throw rings for us to race to retrieve. Sometimes I would try to retrieve them with my mouth imagining I was performing at Sea World. Mom would laugh. I made her happy. I was happy too.

I remember sitting in the bathroom every morning while mom brushed my hair into a ponytail. I was trying to grow it out for the first time. It feels so good to have my hair brushed. Mom would pull it back and then secure two clips on either side of my head to make sure stragglers didn’t come out when I played. I remember the day I didn’t need the pins anymore; my hair was long enough to go into the ponytail itself. “One more day honey, and tomorrow you won’t need the clips!” I was so happy. I had long, pretty hair like a girl!

I remember playing Barbies at my best friend’s house. She had so many and they were so pretty. We dressed them up and took them out on dates trying to lure the singular Ken doll to take us to prom. Somehow I always was missing one of the tiny pink shoes they wore on their tiny feet. I knew these were dolls but I also knew someday, when I grew up, I could look like this too. For Christmas one year I got a Kelly doll and now Barbie was a mom. That’s what I wanted too, I thought.

I remember really long mornings in the summer throwing hay. I didn’t enjoy that too much, but I loved jumping in the pool afterward. My best friend and I loved jumping in the piles of chafe leftover from the morning work. One time she took a running leap off the top of a stack of bales and smashed her face in one of the rafters keeping the barn up. I think we learned a lot about perception that day. Luckily she didn’t lose a tooth but I remember wondering if she would ever want to come to my house again. My best friend was a conglomeration of surprises. She was blonde and beautiful having every doll imaginable, but also always wanted to come over to my house and play in the barn. We were such a pair and balanced each other pretty well. I think she’s getting married soon.

Ages 7-10

I don’t remember the exact age I picked up a basketball but I knew it was what my family did. I remember trying so hard to play 1 on 1 against my older brother, my hero. I wanted to be just like him. Summer days were spent toggling from shooting hoops and swimming laps. At night our family had enough members to play kickball. I remember the day my older brother kicked the ball into the trees behind the pitch. It was a huge moment for us; only dad had done it before. Mom was the designated pitcher. We managed to lost home plate often but somehow found it before mom was on the mound. When my brother’s friends came to play, I tried my best to kick it farther than them but I usually kicked it foul. They were bigger and I found them fascinating. My first crushes were certainly those teenage men. I tried to balance leaving them alone because I was shy, but also inserting myself to do something to impress them. Not sure it worked.

I remember my first bra in fifth grade. It was silky and I felt really grown up. Mom took me on a little trip by ourselves with no other siblings. This never happened and for some reason, I knew I wasn’t being singled out because I did something wrong. I was really excited. Mom gave me a present and it wasn’t even my birthday. It was a small box called “Just Us Girls” and had a period-starter-kit inside. We then went to a mother-daughter workshop to learn about all the things that would happen to my body in the next few years. The instructor was funny and drew diagrams on a white board; female stick-figures with hairy armpits and vaginas. There were movies, pizza and I drank a lot of orange pop. I had mom to myself, that made me happy.

Ages 10-15

I remember going to a different best friend’s house often. We liked the same books (Harry Potter), got to cook our own pizzas and build Zoos on her computer. We would read dirty jokes online and try not to laugh too loud because her mom would ask what was so funny. I wasn’t such a good liar so I made an excuse to go to the bathroom. Our moms also got along which I didn’t realize at the time, but that’s kind of a good situation. We could spend all day buying animals and watching them roam around their enclosures or training our sea animals to perform a show. Once I had so many wild dogs they got out of their cages and I had to manually put them back in one-by-one only to sell them off for some serious cash. My friend was the smartest girl in the grade but our friendship was special. For some reason we were never pitted against each other, we were a team, two nerdy girls in awkward bodies just trying to have fun.

I made the JV volleyball team in 7th grade. Then the varsity team in 9th grade. What they don’t tell you about that is even when you’re good, you’re still younger than your teammates. I didn’t play with my friends but I also felt like I wasn’t inside the volleyball team either. That finally changed when I was a junior and I tried to make the younger kids feel important too. I loved dressing up for games. People knew who you were when you dressed up. I laugh at the styles I used to wear now, the clothing that was popular. Still not a fashionista like mom…but I do love to dress up and feel pretty.

I remember mom taking me and a new best friend to see the musical The Wiz at the Hanger Theater. That was the first time this new friend and I hung out after school. We were lumped together as biology lab partners and oddly hit it off quick. I was a sports girl, she did musicals but we were perfect for each other. I do not think I ever laughed so much as I did with her. The inside jokes, the boyfriends, the sneaking around. It was the best! I remember going to her dad’s house to spend the night most weekends. He had a huge finished basement with a huge couch. We would talk, eat, laugh and watch musicals and then sneak off to see boys. The rush we got from it was incredible. We never took to drinking or drugs, but doing silly stuff together and running around where we weren’t supposed to be was what made high school more fun.

Bright spots. There were many. I would say there are many to come, but I think I am lucky and my life is a bright spot. It’s hard sometimes but I think I’ve been able to find a life I am happy with. Ready to learn new things, change and explore, but also satisfied and happy with who I am and what I’ve experienced already.

Bright spots.