curmudgeon
Last night my physical therapist told me that my body is out of homeostasis. Oddly that felt comforting because we believe it will get back to baseline eventually. That did not stop me from ruminating on my recent niggle most of the evening and letting it disrupt my sleep. I am one of those people that schedules a sports massage at 1AM for that evening at 6:15PM. I am over it, over this and wondering when it will heal, when my luck will change for good.
To catch those up, a week or so ago we hosted an event at Skratch Cafe to launch a new product, Everyday Drink Mix (essentially it’s our hydration mix without the sugar). For the event, I found myself lugging around 60lb kegs (a lot of kegs) of this hydration mix. By the end of the event, I probably wasn’t using the best form and could feel my hips and back starting to strain. The next day we ran Mags and everything was fine until mile 15, where I really started to feel a pinch in my groin. It came on within two miles and so I stopped because it was becoming quite painful to run. I ruled out stress fracture by passing the hop test, and decided maybe it was tight so I scheduled a sports massage for that afternoon and my PT the next day. It was pretty sore but not too terrible the next day, so I continued to train on the bike, where I felt (and still feel) no pain there. Sunday was a pretty rough day, as was Monday. Gets worse before it gets better right? I started to feel some relief on Tuesday, which is when I also saw another doctor in network for Worker’s Comp. She diagnosed a strained groin and said maybe as little as 3 weeks, maybe as long as 6. Let pain be my guide and see my PT. I was optimistic at that point because it did keep feeling better each day, biking and elliptical actually helped, so I continued to train as if I was running, just on low impact machines.
Maybe this is just another gets worse before it gets better step in the recovery process, but here I am again and find myself at another Monday morning limping a bit and stressed because I can tell my hips are compensating, which move the ache around. I can also now feel some soreness in my tibilalis anterior. I have no idea why that is occurring. Last night having both at the same time was disruptive to my peace of mind and sleeping comfort, so I laid awake in self-pity at another injury I sustained at work. I am also not at peace at work right now, due to growing pains and being pressed to evolve in my job role. I genuinely appreciate the pushing and want to progress, however little things keep getting in my way to do so completely. It mirrors my training in that I am motivated and have the energy to move forward, yet little things keep me in the space I am in. Someone calls out at work due to illness, so I pick up their bar shift and then I cannot make progress in my managerial duties to improve the restaurant. I strain my groin while lifting at work and though I have energy and feel good, I cannot progress my fitness in the way I want.
Cross-training, though a blessing, takes so much time in my already packed schedule, and though I look forward to it because it doesn’t hurt, I have little mental energy for anything else when I get through that and work. I was already a bit bored with the professional media side of running as it was, and this niggle has diminished any bandwidth I had for it. I don’t have any ideas as to how to make our sport better nor do I care much. The best thing to happen to running lately is Jasmin Paris, and the only reason I fucking care is that she’s a regular British Lady or some shit. She has a job and kids and was like I’m just going to do this while also having a life. I want to have a beer with her. Or bread, I bet she eats bread and has no dietary restrictions. I also doubt she considers eating to be a form of “food doping”. What the fuck is going on? I get busy at work for a week or so and come back to the newest way athletes are trying to take shit I intrinsically like and turn it into something related to performance. Might I remind you, it’s ok to just eat food, like a normal person, and let it do its job, without calling it a biohack. I could go off about how this is disordered but I already did that in my messages to friends so I’m over it already.
I think part of this is on me. This boredom and to be honest, annoyance, I have with running right now. Usually when something bothers me about someone else, it’s because they are reflecting back something I dislike about myself. That or they display some sort of character flaw I got over and now come to look down upon. It takes a lot of growth for me to get off my high horse about it and see past versions of myself compassionately.
Usually my process of self growth goes like this:
Stop said behavior or make a change
To prevent backslide, actively turn thoughts or actions away from said feeling or community
Cut off that past self completely
Come to see it with compassion, not let it define me and move forward
The best example I can give is when I decided to no longer be vegan. First I felt free and probably talked some shit about being vegan and the community. I probably said it was unhealthy, that the people thought they were better than everyone else etc. Then I just disengaged with the community and prevented myself from thinking about that self in an attempt to forget it happened. Then a few years later, I look back at that period of my life with grace and realize the purpose it served. I am happy I had my “vegan stage” because it was both a good thing that helped me get healthier and heal, but also started holding me back at a certain point so I let it go.
I am a curmudgeon about running right now because I am a part of the media I find so bothersome and annoying. I hate that sometimes I feel no depth to my personality outside running and managing Skratch. I hate that people don’t know anything about me other than that; even friends and people I see frequently. It is on me to direct the conversation toward other topics, and I haven’t been doing that work recently because, well, that means I have to think and sometimes I just don’t feel like doing that. Someone entertain me for once. I want someone to perform for me because my job, and sometimes my life, are just that: performances. Well folks, this drama queen needs to exit stage left.
So there it is. I’m cranky. I’m dealing with another niggle. My momentum is stalled. It’s a bummer and I have to heal. For now, I’m just going to pop an ibuprofen and move onto the next fire to put out at work.