I Am Enough
Again I’ve completed another season with no race at the end. Well, I guess we did two races, but they were more for fun than anything I was personally training for. Getting in a mile race I knew wasn’t going to happen, so a timed trial would have been ideal.
However, though it is unsatisfying, I know I am ready for a break without attempting to break the 5 minute mile barrier. I don’t even think saying “I wish…” is true, because I want another season of work to solidify this fitness. I don’t want to hit it once, get lucky one day, and hit it. I want to be a sub-five minute miler, not someone who hit it once.
In the northeast, winter is hitting us in the face. The speed and times that were consistently dropping begin to creep in the opposite direction. It is mentally depressing, even though I know it’s going to happen. I have been training since August, my body feeling good, but my mind starting to lag. There’s only so long I can do the same training without a race or something to look forward to.
Five months of completely new running is a long time. I put in good work. I hit as many intervals as I could. I feel really content with what I’ve done this season. I am ready and accepting of a break.
A break I have CHOSEN to take; not a break induced by injury or complete burnout.
I still love running. I still want to wake up and do it. My body could still do it. My mind though, needs a period of relaxation. I don’t think the final week I was going to eek out would go well for me physically or mentally.
Based on the weather, my mood and the length of the season I’ve put in already, I am content to stop now and take a break. Because my teammate Bailey is leaving in a few weeks (moving across the country…yes I’m sad) I think I’ll run a bit to be with her. But mostly, I’ll take off after a long run this Sunday.
Winter is such a strange time.
On the one hand, I enjoy the toughness I cultivate each run. Just showing up and moving is most of the battle right? This past week I feel like winter hit me in the face…and my body just wasn’t ready. It takes me a few runs, a fall or two and learning I can get out there, just slower. The time it’ll take my body to get ready for winter workouts would most likely take longer than my season was going to be. I’d be used to the snow and cold, then I’d be on a break anyway.
Might as well start a break now, so I can get back sooner. As much as my mind wants a bit of a break today, I know I’ll want to begin to challenge myself again soon. Running is like that for me; I’ll take a break before anything breaks, and then I can come back sooner. Who doesn’t want that?
When I decided to begin thinking about an early break, I had just bailed on a workout of 1k repeats on an icy, windy road. My legs were alright, but my mind wasn’t there. I just stopped, told my team I was ok, but I wasn’t going to keep running this workout. Really, my mood was fine and it was a decision I felt was right.
I didn’t have much time that day to dwell on it because my job has been a source of tension company wide lately. I remember reading something that morning reminding me “I am enough”.
I am enough. I am enough. No really, I am.
Running or not, I am enough. Workout or not, I am enough. I do believe that. A lack of races, taking myself off scrolling social media and being present with my team and in my body has deepened the words I started to tell myself when I fail.
This time, I don’t feel I failed. I actually am proud of the season I put away. The training I put in the bank the past 5 months in now in my body. It is not going anywhere, one missed workout or off season be damned.
I am enough. The more I believe those words, the more I accept what my body had and give what I’ve got, the easier it has become to stop when I need to.
I am enough. And so are you.
