The Injured List - Am I A Flash In The Pan?

Today is a hard day. It’s a day where I really have no reason to be moody, but I am. It’s a day I know I need to stay off social media, stay off running media and continually remind myself of the wonderful life I have outside of running. It’s a day I need to remember that my body will heal, that feet take time, that this was not my fault.

A week ago I was flying fast over the beautiful Arizona landscape when I felt a pressure in the top of my foot where the shoe laces tie. I stopped to re-lace them twice, but the pressure continued to build. I made the call to stop running at the mile seven aid station. I couldn’t walk the rest of the day. The next day however, I was able to get around easier after putting an insert in my shoes and walking on the outside of the foot. The pain had decreased substantially and I honestly felt some hope that it was going to be a few days off and then back to running. The next few days continued to feel better as I cross-trained on the bike. Since Thursday I feel as though the plateau has been reached and my foot is still a lame duck.

I am able to walk fine most of the time and have obviously altered my gait subconsciously to be efficient. I am not in constant pain and am very grateful that biking feels deliciously good. I have continued to do workouts and get training in the hopes that my legs will get stronger as my foot heals. I know it is not ready to run. Every so often I forget I am hurt and a glimmer of possibility enters my mind that running will continue tomorrow. Then I step wrong and feel the discomfort which puts me back in my place:

The Injured List

I am trying to keep this year in perspective, but proximity to past events and races has certainly clouded my vision of my year. I have not been able to put much together since Western States and that really bugs me. Rationally I know running 100 miles is a lot. I remember promising myself that the event I wanted to do for 2023 was that race and finishing it would be enough for me. I did finish. I completed that goal. Of course I want more now. Of course I am not content. It is why I am an athlete, not someone who jogs 30 minutes a day (though I will be there one day and that is fine too). After Western States the year has been full of both wonderful travel experiences and injuries. I put together some training, enough to give me some confidence in my body again, only to be sidelined a few weeks later. It is incredibly frustrating and incredibly privileged. My body should work the way I want it to, yet right now it doesn’t and I don’t know why. I spend countless hours thinking, mulling over my training, my exercise physiology books, trying to understand why this happened and how I can prevent it from happening again.

The fact is, I cannot prevent injuries from happening. That is incredibly frustrating. I cannot control what happened to my foot nor can I control how long it takes to heal. I do all the drills. I do all the PT. I eat well and enough to support my lifestyle. My body came out structurally in a way that makes this foot issue a reoccurring battle, one that is not helped by anecdotal “this worked for me” advice on social media.

I will not run barefoot.

I will not eat cleaner.

I will not buy a hypervolt muscle stimulator.

I will not do random shit people “swear worked for them” when the human body is so complex. There are so many of these cases that doing everything is a full time job and fucking exhausting, especially when it doesn’t work.

I will see a PT.

I will continue to train on the bike.

I will continue to eat foods I love that nourish me.

I will have a life outside of this.

Am I A Flash In The Pan?

One thing that really bugs me right now in regard to my own mental health is when I think about my value as an athlete. Fortunately or unfortunately, being a professional athlete with a small social media presence has somewhat tied my worth as a human to my running. I know I need to disconnect these two, but in my fragile mental state it is a bigger challenge that usual. This process usually occurs after the acceptance part of the grief cycle. As soon as I have acknowledged and made a path forward in regard to healing my mind then goes to the brand side of my athletic pursuits and what I should do to preserve my worth to my sponsor.

There isn’t anything blatantly stated in my contract that would indicate that I need to worry about this. However, I am part of a team, love that team, and want to do my part to make us successful when I cannot win everything (I’ll let Allie Mac do that for us). The next step in the spiral attaches my “running relevance” to my contract and whether I am doing “enough” to get another two-year deal. I hate this digression so much because I am doing something I swore when I signed my contract I wouldn’t. When I signed I told myself this was a two-year experiment and I would give it up if it was not for me. I would also leave gracefully if my contract was not extended for whatever reason. I thought about whether my life would dramatically change if I was thrown money or whether some things like travel and race fees would be a bit easier to stomach. Both of these things are true and my opportunity to run in different places has gotten easier. However, I would not say that my life is drastically different or better than it would be without a contract.

I retain a wonderful community.

I have the power to run and be in nature.

I satisfy the core components of Basic Needs Theory (relatedness, competence, control).

When I rationally think about it, not in a heightened emotional state, relevance in the running world isn’t even on my radar because it is meaningless to me. I mean, how many friends can I really have while also doing a good job in being the friend they need? How many more communities can I be a part of? How many running clubs or teams do I have time for? The reason I have such a wonderful life is due to the close relationships I maintain (it takes work but we do it and stay connected) and the intimate culture we have made together. Have a million followers simply isn’t it for me. Writing that is so rational, yet injuries and mental health is often not rational, so yes I have been spending too much time in the past few days thinking about these things and making myself upset. I do not have an answer yet, nor do I feel completely normal in the brain but I know what helps me.

Limit the socials, both online and frankly people who wear me out.

Do call and talk to my intimate loved ones, even when this seems insurmountably hard.

Put in the workouts on other modalities.

Praise the accomplishment of others.

Practice extreme gratitude for every small thing.

Maybe I am a flash in the pan. Maybe I won’t do running in the public eye for very long. Is that really so bad?

I am not healed yet. I am still sad about it. I am still pulling myself away from desiring relevance. I’ll leave with this:

We all fucking die. So make the next thing you do, whether it’s have a snack, go for a walk, accept a new job, choose something that reminds you that life is finite, life is beautiful, and even the shit has meaning.

You’ll find it. So will I.