Unknown
Fear is a concept I know like an old friend. Most of my fear stems from the unknown. If I don’t know what is coming and already have a plan to react to it I find it very stressful and…scary.
I trend toward being a planner. I keep things organized. I do my research. I try to control the controllables. In most cases this tendency serves me well. If I don’t know something, I figure it out somehow and navigate through using that knowledge.
Running 100 miles seems like a different kind of unknown. I really can’t plan how to react to things down to the last detail, as if that would make it easier. Of course I’ve done as much research and preparation as I can but there are simply too many variables to really feel as comfortable as I’d like when approaching a new challenge.
For 100 miles, I’m just going to jump into the unknown.
I am Ellie Pell. I am not afraid.
I’ve thought some about fear in the past. I think that the fear of the unknown is the underlying reason for a lot of social dilemmas. People don’t know or don’t understand each other so those in power make laws, rules or try to prevent different groups from doing things they themselves don’t understand. They falsely believe that allowing one group to practice what they want it somehow encroaches on their own. They fear what they do not understand.
I too have been and am controlled by fear. Things I do not understand are approached with caution. When attempting to wrap my head around 100 miles it was tempting to fall prey to the fear of the distance. Even though I constantly debunk stories I’ve told about myself, one hard to break this cycle was “I don’t run long distances in training” and “I don’t do back-to-back-to-back long efforts. I break down.” Somewhere in the middle of my training block I realized that maybe I was a runner who could do that. Maybe I was a runner who could put in longer efforts more often than once a week. I could run the day after a race or long run workout. Then I could run the next day.
Though it sounds like I had a “duh” moment, these little victories and realizations were huge for me. Real ultrarunners who run real 100 mile races and train for real events were always the people who put in that kind of work. I wasn’t that kind of runner. I figured I would break down and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. Getting to the start line of Western States is very important to me. I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. Running longer days simultaneously scared me. I didn’t know what would happen.
Though the months looked long and running for two hours consistently seemed like a lot, that was not where I started. I started my built conservative, listened to my body, consulted the research, changed the plan if I needed to…and didn’t raise my mileage earlier than the plan called for, which was only the last 1.5 months of straight endurance work. I think if I had tried to do that before I was ready, I might have succeeded…but I also might not have and that just isn’t a chance I want to take right now.
A few months into my training, I realized a few things. The first is that I have one speed. It seems as though I can go for a long time at a 7:15-7:30 pace no matter the elevation gain and loss…but those strides seemed much more wonky than they used to. But boy could I just keep going at that pace. Some days I would start feeling like it would be a short day and then find myself get to 7 miles and find a flow that just would not end. Apparently this is supposed to happen (research and science and all that stuff) but until it actually happened I would never believe it. All my training for prior ultras followed the skeleton plan of a marathon. Training for 100 miles was kind of different and uncomfortable. I like doing fast workouts and getting on the track. But leaning into the unknown, into the fear of losing all the speed I’ve gained from marathon training, it was something I just bought into.
I jumped into it. I am Ellie Pell. I am not afraid.
There are things I could have done better. I probably could have gotten on more trails. I could have worked harder on my nutrition. I could have done gotten in the sauna more than the week before the race. All those things may help and may not help. I simply will not know until I try the distance. I won’t know until I try to solve the puzzle. Even then, I’ve done the best I could in the situation I am in. For some reason I trust it. I trust it because I do not fear what will happen, good or bad. I realized I cannot fear the unknown for its own sake.
During my last semester of school, which also coincided with the beginning of this cycle, instead of dreading hard conversations, new situations or phone calls I didn’t look forward to, I began to ask myself “what if it were easy?” Sometimes it was, other times it wasn’t but getting into this mindset of acceptance, curiosity and positivity made each situation better than if I had remained entrenched in a rotten thought pattern.
In less than two weeks I will attempt to run 100 miles. Hey, what if it’s easy?
I am Ellie Pell. I am not afraid.