a year, a season, a life

What was the purpose for this past year?

I wanted to use this year to train for the Leadville 100. I began the year with that focus, though I knew my body had some catching up to do. Last September to October I had a great build up of running. I began working with Corrine and she eased me back into running after my calcaneal stress fracture after Western States. I was really fit going into my first race in December, the McDowell Mountain Frenzy. During that race I sustained an injury to the top of my foot, which prevented me from both completing the race and continuing to train in the way I wanted. I spent the next two months in a combination of cross-training and running, taking my first real few steps of something on Christmas Day. I started building and thought I was beginning to put some more miles on my legs, pacing someone for the last marathon of the Black Canyon 100k. I came home strong and ready to string more days together, when another issue started, which still plagues me to this day. My right hamstring is tight and sticky. It starts to get that way about 60 minutes into a run, some days it makes itself known, other days it’s very light but still in the background. It is this that prevents me from doing running workouts outside, from signing up for much of anything, and from feeling 100% confident in my running. It seems like the purpose of this past year went from trying to run the Leadville 100 to having bodily malfunction after malfunction and wondering what karma God I upset.

Let me address the elephant that is always in the room. These issues, though they are not bone, but soft tissue, might be due to lingering medical imbalances and deficiencies from the 6 years I wasted starving myself. I deal with that thought every day. When I went back to college to finish my degree, I honestly believed that my brain had been too starved of vital nutrients in development that I would be unable to learn and retain information needed to pass a college class. I finished with a 3.9 GPA and Summa Cum Laude, so that is obviously false. I am trying to use that evidence in regard to my body because I refuse to believe I am broken beyond repair. I believe my body is a puzzle that my PT, my coach, and I are working to solve.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I moved across the country. I explored my new city and made some great new friends. I help start the first endurance sports cafe in the world in a very expensive place with so many restrictions it is a wonder anyone can get a license for anything here. But on the whole, I spent a lot of the year cross-training and not signing up for races. The one race I managed to complete to my satisfaction came out of left field. I won the Leadville marathon back in June, which did put some wind in my sales. My hamstring was getting better, and I was motivated to believe I could complete the Leadville 100 two months later. Well, I rolled my ankle at that race, then two more times at Western States, and one final time a week later, handing me a nice grade 3 sprain and two months of no running. I’ve started running and have now been consistent for about a month, still doing all hard efforts on the bike. After a good 20 mile effort last weekend feeling great, I thought I’d attempt to jump into a 50k the next weekend. Everything seemed groovy until I noticed my ankle being sore again on Wednesday night into Thursday. The race was today, Friday, and my coach and I made the decision to wait (it was a local, fun run) and see the PT instead. Today I did a bike-run-bike combo, which was fun, but definitely felt the hamstring and a bit or residual soreness in my ankle. I don’t know which injury to pick to work on these days. I feel like a mess, but I am running a bit, which helps.

What did I learn?

I can cross-train a whole bunch and not lose my mind. Community is a huge part of my running and that makes the lack of results or meaningful competition bearable. I am a continual puzzle and the human body is complex. I learned I’ve had a rough year competition-wise simply due to lack of racing. I learned that I cannot get dehydrated. This is something I should mention because it might be the biggest thing I struggle with. I am absolutely rubbish at hydrating myself. The hamstring issue started after I got severely dehydrated at Black Canyon because my runner forgot his bottles at the aid station. I gave him mine, and got more and more in the whole as we kept going. I actually bonked a mile from the finish line, spent the night on the toilet passing black shit, and generally looked worse than the racers who actually did the race. I didn’t realize how important this was until I listened to one of Skratch’s nutrition talks and realized I am not even taking in half the amount of water I need on runs. I began to work on this extensively, first with a daily protocol to get me out of chronic dehydration, and now when I am exercising to keep me from backsliding. This is HARD. I have to drink so MUCH. Then it disappears overnight and I have to START AGAIN. What even is this??!!?! The change in climate, from Beast to West, from humid to dry, is a big challenge for my body, I am simply a little raisin who wants to be a grape.

I learned that sometimes professional running is about the community part, the being on a team part, and not the race results. Being a part of the Trails Collective and east coast running made me so happy that in periods of down, I still felt like I was needed. I think I was searching for a group of people that said “hey, we like you, no matter how you run!” and I totally embraced that this year at Skratch and in Boulder. I needed to, because I missed Ithaca so much. I am someone people can talk to because I listen, I don’t always offer my advice or opinion. I try my hardest to wait to do so until asked, and also offer many caveats peppered with “it depends”. Lately my favorite thing is the Skratch Cafe group run and the potlucks we have on Sunday nights. I am allowed to enjoy these things, be with these people, have my say and my opinions even if I am not the best or crushing it.

I fucking love that. Look to the left and the right of you. If those people are runners then chances are they have been injured, taken time off, or feel burned out (yes, right now!). I think this year was a year of relating. A year that reminds me that I am a regular runner, with a regular body, who has regular ups and downs. Heck, working at Skratch I have seen every type of endurance athlete come in with a cast, boot, limp, niggle or just that look (that I’m sure I have given Aaron) that they are not confident in their body right now and please talk to them about something else. Which I do because I like dialog that doesn’t involve sports occasionally, until they decide I am safe and they open up about everything they are worried about and I talk them down. I am a professional after all. I got that way because in my early running career I had no one to talk me down. I became very good at talking myself down. These days I just text Corrine or Devon or Amelia or Anthony because I’ve talked myself down long enough, time for them to do the work (thanks dudes!). That said, my year was a bit less on the “Ellie racing LETS GO!”side and more on the “LET ME CHEER FOR YOU!” side.

I think this worked because when I am experiencing a niggle, I am not a threat. Boulder has a big ego. There are some of the nicest people here, who would really do anything for you, but we also have huge egos. I have been a safe person this year because I have not been threatening to anyone in a racing sense. I am sure that if [she who must not be named] was afraid I was going to kick her ass at the race next weekend, [she] would not be so forthcoming with her worries and niggles. I don’t blame [her]. In the future I hopefully will be that threat, but if in the meantime I can be the comforter, the person to catch you, then by all means that is what professional running SHOULD include. I went to UTMB this year to cheer on my team because I love them and they love me. I went because in addition to the beauty and wonderful scenery that is France, they were about to compete in one of the biggest races of their lives. As a teammate, I wanted to be there so they had the chance to offload that stress onto me. I wanted to be there to take it from them so they could race. That is what being a part of the team means, sometimes you don’t get to shine.

What is next?

I think it’s too early to tell. I am still on the mission to run the Leadville marathon, but I also must be mindful for what my body can give me. I want to feel durable again, not like I am on the cusp of breaking or injury. I am a strong woman. I have a large, physical presence and I use my strength in my daily life. However, the soft tissues, joints, and other things that really matter are a sticking point. My goal for next season is to figure out how to make those things stronger and maintain a body that is resilient.

My mental game also has some tuning up to do. Whew I get the “this is boring” way too early these days. I need to work on the suffering part. Suffering due to time out there and working hard, not due to niggles and mental fatigue wondering if I am doing damage. Just typing that out makes me feel pathetic and ashamed. That’s where I am at, and it is what it is.

Lastly, I want to continue to build community and relationships in this space. I am not just a runner. I am not just a sports nutrition cafe manager. But these things help me build a full circle and full life. There are SO MANY parts of the US that I want to visit, to meet all the trail communities and see what makes them special. That honestly lights me up. I love being a part of Trails Collective, Freetrail, Skratch Labs, Cultra, Ten Junk Miles and more. These communities are distinct and vast in themselves, but also somehow maintain the grassroots community feel that I adore and feel most myself. Yeah that…next year will definitely include more of that.

More soon…maybe…