28

I turned 28 this past week.

Reflecting on that led me to this passage:

I have to admit, to a certain extent, I spent too much of my life shrinking myself. Trying to become smaller, physically yes, but also emotionally. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less ME.

Because I felt broken, I didn’t want to be too much and so I pushed people away. I wanted to fit in, I wanted people to like me, but not too much. I wanted to make a good impression, then go home. I wanted to be wanted, because I felt that would heal me.

Today I turn 28. During my 27th year, I was tired of shrinking, tired of pushing people away. My job isn’t to change who I am to fit in or be normal. I am worthwhile simply because I matter. I deserve to be happy. It took me almost 28 years to embrace that, but damn look how far we’ve come.

I hope there are days when you too experience the joy of looking at yourself and realizing you’re no longer the awkward lost person you were growing up, that you have warm friendships and are good at what you do and enjoy who you are.

I hope all your ugly ducklings become swans.

I have so much good in my life. There is so much good in this life. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth the downs, the uncomfortable conversations, the messed up anxieties.

I came into my 20s so broken and unsure of myself, but knew I must press on. I knew there was something here, inside of me, that I just had to let heal an grow. My 27th year, I believe, has been about that growth.

My tree of life began to grow leaves. It began to reach toward the sky. It opened up, just a bit, and started to drink in that light. After a few sips, it became clear, that in order to fully embrace happiness and joy, I had to open up even more.

It’s still so scary. It’s still raw and honest. It still hurts sometimes.

But it’s given me so much.

I’m 28. I have a lot more growing to do. But I’m ready to embrace it, because opening up and letting things in, has given me more joy than I could imagine. Bring it on.