i've been trying to fix my pride but that shit's broken

Being healthy is fucking my brain up almost as much as being injured. I don’t know if I should trust my body or whether this spell of good running will leave me as quickly as it came. Since beginning my walk-jog in June, I have built myself up to an appropriate amount of mileage with 5 days of running and 2 cross-training days. Sometimes I think it’s too much, sometimes I think it’s not enough, but for a while there, I was able to enjoy whatever I could do and not overthink it. This bliss occurred because I didn’t have enough room in my brain to overthink running because my education took up all my energy. The volume of learning I have done in the past two months is incredible. There simply wasn’t enough space to obsess about running.

Of course, that lack of awareness can only last for so long, especially once I started racing again. I am fully conscious of the ignorance I build into running to protect my mental health. I don’t use Strava, I maintain a healthy relationship with Instagram, I nurture my life outside of my sport. I even have taken a break from the Freetrail slack, though I love it, because I felt like in order to be fully present at UNC I needed to focus. Since I started racing again last month, I find myself drifting into checking Strava, even though I don’t follow anyone, just to see how my running is assessed by the community. I sometimes have a habit of looking up other runners on IG for honest purposes, but am then led down a path that doesn’t bring out a side of my self-worth I like. If I measure up or are “better” than someone, I get mad at myself for being an asshole. If I don’t measure up I get pissy that I am out of shape and berate myself for that.

A great example of this was at my last race, the Blue Sky Marathon. I had a stressful week and have not been sleeping due to reasons cited above. I could feel my injury anxieties building up, plus a few midterms I was less confident about made sleeping not come easily despite how exhausted I was. On my way to the race I reiterated the plan my coach and I discuss, which was there wasn’t a racing plan because I was not in shape, and the day would be focused on a long run (my longest since the injury) and my nutrition. I was also supposed to enjoy the day and have fun. Sounds like something I could convince myself to do right? Well that plan sounds flowery and nice when I type it out, but when I started losing immediately and was still losing at mile 5, that plan flew out the window and the self-flagellation came on real quick. This was heightened by the fact that I am seen as a professional runner, who should not be losing a local race in front of my teammate Adrian’s mentor. Though ridiculous, I felt like I should be proving my worth out there. From mile 5-15 I had a pity party, beating myself up for my lack of fitness, but actually was able to refocus on our race plan and start to enjoy what the day was giving me: perfect temperatures, no niggles, no stomach issues, no bathroom breaks. Well wouldn’t you know at mile 15 I caught the first place woman and my body started to open up and feel a rhythm. I passed her and got a big rush of epinephrine, which made me feel happy for one minute. After that minute I started to spiral about my obsessive need to win here to prove myself and how I am not practicing what I preach: loving my healthy body, being grateful for the chance to run, enjoying the day. I think of myself as so woke, yet when push comes to shove I am just as petty and small a human as any other Strava-obsessed endurance-addict who needs to win to prove themselves.

I don’t feel good about that. But also…maybe some of that energy is why I have had success in running? I don’t use anger to fuel me, and prefer to use joy, but I also like to feel some pressure and anxiety to perform because it makes the result much better. My coach says it means I care, which I can accept, but I worry that I care too much, and what happens when it’s gone? Since the race I have felt pretty terrible mentally. My injury anxieties have really cropped up learning news about another friend who recently got another injury. My heart broke when I found out about them and I actually started sobbing. For her, for us, for the cards we’ve been dealt and must manage with precision. To be frank, I know that with my bones hwo they are, though I am working really hard to do the right things, will probably break again at some point. There may be a time when I just say it’s not worth putting so much effort into rehabbing and will have to pursue other hobbies. Sometimes I am ok with that, and other times my mental health cannot handle it. I love being able to run. I love that I am at a place where I do not tie it to food, body image, or status (most times, as this past weekend’s race proved I am not always 100% at my peak self-worth). I love how far I’ve come so much that when I feel it’s threatened, I don’t know how I will handle it. This is why I cannot sleep and what made me finally seek help from a sports psychologist (thanks Mario!!). I don’t want to try to muscle through this alone or be tough. I am scared, for very valid reasons, and yet I need to move through this to live my life.

Mario reminded me of a few things. One of which is that I am doing everything I can to fix my bones, so if injury does happen it isn’t because I am a bad person, it’s just the hand of cards I am dealt. He also asked me what happens on that day, the day I am fearing, the day I cannot run anymore. I told him that is what really scares me, because I love running so much and I love that to me it signals I have a healthy body. One thing I should also mention here is that my spiraling tends to be related to health outcomes. I think the last time he and I talked I was spiraling about my family history of breast cancer. I worry so much about being a healthy person, I forget to live sometimes. I forget to allow myself the freedom to enjoy the health I have now and when future me has health problems, deal with them then. At that point he also reminded me that I am doing everything I can to be, what we in the biology field call an “otherwise-healthy-person”. If my genes have loaded some sort of biological gun, I may have to deal with that, but thinking about it now wondering if there is a tumor growing inside me is not going to help anything, nor allow me to do healthy behaviors (like sleep) which ward off that health issue. This time in regard to my injury fears, he told me that I need to give myself more time throughout the day to release everything I am feeling, or journal it before I get into bed. That way whether it’s school related (“Oh my God I have so much to learn!” or injury related “what if I wake up tomorrow and feel pain?”) I can reflect on how well the present day went and take a moment to enjoy the experience of the day I had. I spend so much time in the future and the past, I don’t take too much time being present in the joy I have in my body right now.

My advisor here at UNC asked if people who study sports psychology are too aware. I think he meant does our perception of ourselves and our social awareness become a roadblock in what we do. He asked this after I described my race, exactly as I did in the above paragraphs. I told him that sometimes it does. It does for me when I am feeling not confident about my fitness [like on Saturday] which is confirmed by my place in the race [I was losing] and then reaffirmed by the glee I felt [when I started winning] and the immediate self-berating [when I became aware of how my self worth was tied to winning]. I love running, but sometimes I cannot be too tied into it (either my own or our community) because I am unable to zoom out and see how niche it is in the grand scheme of things. I told him that my running gets better when I am able to easily shed my running self when I need to. I found it hard to live in Boulder sometimes because I was never able to shed that part of me. I thought it would get easier here in Greeley, which I’ll admit it has. However I also know I cannot just leave an environment and never have psychological issues concerning my sense of self. It makes things easier when I need to escape, but the work on myself continues. I also LOVE the running community. That push and pull, being in it when I am needed or need nourishment, but also being able to leave it when it’s not serving me, is really something I struggle with. I am still learning what that means for me going forward, but in the meantime trying to stay present, be grateful, and honestly try to do my best for myself and the other women who have been dealt this hand of cards. I want to hide, to make it all go away, but that wont help us. I came to UNC because I wanted to use my mind to help people instead of using my body online to make other people want to be like me. When I look at what I am doing, I think I’m headed in the right direction.