You Don't Always Get What You Give
Equilibrium. Homeostasis. Expectation.
Sometimes a relationships feels one-sided. It feels like I give much more than the other person or organization. I also feel very guilty when I don’t feel like I give as much or more than the other party. I like things to work out balanced in a way I can see.
Fact is, everything is balanced in the cosmos, but it is not always evident how.
Fact is, sometimes my heart to give in a particular relationships is greater than the other.
Fact is, maybe the effort I give here frees up the effort of the other person to be that for someone else.
Fact is, it’s hard to see and that is frustrating.
Days when it’s really hard, it seems my mind is keeping a tally. I count all the “good” things I’ve done. Doing this makes me frustrated when I see something someone else has neglected, because then either I do it or have to remind them, which takes more effort. Both thinking about the tally, either doing or consciously not doing said task is exhausting. I have to work really hard at not keeping score.
It doesn’t really matter does it? Most small things don’t matter. In a few hours am I really going to care about it? In a few days? A few weeks? A few years?
No, I won’t. I never do.
I run everyday. I do two, sometimes three workouts a week. I do all the mobility drills, all the weight training, all the sleeping. I eat well. I do most things I can to be the best runner I can be.
Fact is, I’ll never be world class.
Fact is, others can do less and get better results.
Fact is, I can try even harder and possibly never get better.
Fact is, that doesn’t make me love it any less.
Very few people make a living doing their hobby. I actually don’t think I’d enjoy doing more running than I already do. I don’t think I’d want to make my living being the best. That seems like a lot of pressure. I get an equivalent amount of satisfaction doing my best without external validation. When I hit a new milestone in a workout, keeping it to myself is almost like keeping a secret. I feel different inside, and no one else knows.
Like after the first time you have sex. No one knows except you and your partner. It’s even more special.
Knowing I’ll never be the best or be recognized for doing the most, it frees my mind and body to focus on enjoying that moment. It helps me stay present and little things bug me less. I don’t enjoy getting annoyed or angry for stupid things. I am better able to recognize when I simply have more time and energy to devote to remembering smaller tasks that make a difference.
Keeping the bathroom clean or doing laundry.
Foam rolling everyday or doing hurdle drills.
I’ve made these things a habit so I don’t forget. I cannot expect everyone else to follow suit.
Nor should they have to. My way isn’t the highway.
Fact is, Difference makes life better.
Fact is, Challenge makes life meaningful.
You don’t always get what you give.