Intention Better Be Enough
For the past few months, I’ve enjoyed both blossoming into my career st Skratch and questioning my abilities as a professional athlete. My PT and I believe I am struggling through a case of tendonitis in my left foot which has halted any meaningful progression in terms of training. I have been training on the bike and running when I can but when I turn inward, I question whether what I am doing has a point.
I can go from completing a 20 miler one weekend completely fine, to bonking at mile 10 of a 12 miler the next. My lungs sometimes feel just dandy cruising through bike intervals only to completely exhaust themselves on a downhill easy trail.
I simply do not understand it and wonder if I am in need of something else or to keep consistency. I signed up for Black Canyon 60k mostly on a whim, using it as an excuse to go down and watch the 100k race, get out of Boulder for a while, and hopefully remember what it means to be a runner. I was recruited by a new friend JP Giblin to crew and pace him. If I end up pacing him I do not think I will line up for the 60k the next day. That would be too much for my foot right now. My plan is to tape it and throw down some Tylenol. It’s not painful really, just not normal and that concerns me. Sometimes I wish it was a broken bone or something so at least I know the healing plan and time. Tendonitis likes to give glimpses of normalcy and then flare up again and again.
The thing is, my job st Skratch has picked up so much and I enjoy it just as much, I have hardly noticed my running outside of the physical act. Training is how I begin and end each work day, but outside of that I am happy to say my life is so full, my lack of relevance or racing doesn’t bother me until I start to dwell on it. Sure, I miss running long and having two healthy, strong feet. I want to get back there with every fiber of my being. But I also know I do truly enjoy my daily life and the activities that do not cause discomfort. I bike a lot now and want to try some outdoor biking when the weather breaks. I love being at Skratch and managing my wonderful staff, learning about their lives and becoming familiar with who they are. I enjoy getting closer to chef Aaron and chef Nicki each day, learning from them but also just being myself, my weird-ass self. The customers who come in are a lively bunch who love the outdoors just as much, if not more than I do. Being in the Boulder bubble has essentially given me permission to live a very active life without needing to justify it. I can get after it when I want to, spend hours running, biking or just doing active stuff and it’s completely normal. I don’t need to be training for a race to sweat and breathe hard.
I really like that and I’m not sure why I felt the need to justify it to myself and others before this. Ok, I do know why I felt I had to justify it, but my reality now doesn’t reflect that history so I’m just going to roll with it. I hope that whenever my professional running is done, I will continue to live how I want without needing a reason. I like sweating and breathing hard damnit, either leave it alone or join me.
Though I am currently in an airport writing this before take-off, I still feel this looming sense of being incomplete. Lack of training, not normal sensations in my body, fatigue that has no root cause, I just don’t feel one hundred percent there. The fact is, I am not one-hundred percent there. I might give myself a forty-five percent. A week ago, I would have said 50% but then I bonked on a 12 mile run and haven’t caught my breath since so that’s where I am. I wish I could say I am confident I can finish this 60k…but the fact is I am not really because my foot could go like it did at McDowell and I’ll be walking to the aid station to drop. Then I will miss my flight home and be stuck in Phoenix debating whether to just give up and walk home or hitchhike and hope the person inside the car likes to talk enough to take my mind off my first-world problems.
Truth is, I am lucky to be doing this. Lucky to be going to a race to watch it and crew. Lucky to have a chance to start. Maybe by the time I get to Arizona I’ll feel that way. But right now, intention is all I have. I hope that’s enough.
