Let It Pass — Gazzellie

I’ve been struggling for the past few days to be present at work. My mind simply isn’t there. It’s not an anxiety-ridden thing at the moment, I’m simply in a space where focusing on my task at hand is hard.

I cannot tell you what I did for my 8 hour shift this past Sunday except analyze the London Marathon, think about my podcast and how I can make what I do sustainable. I am told I made drinks and sandwiches, and even did a good job for a busy day. But honestly, I was somewhere else.

I have felt very detached from my job this week. It happens from time to time and it’ll pass, presence returning to me, my mind able to focus and care about my day job. But man, it’s frustrating when I get home from a long day and realize I wasn’t paying much attention.

All I think about is running.

The Trails Collective, who I’m interviewing.

What we’re talking about on my podcast

My run today, my run tomorrow, did I text so and so to meet me at our spot?

I never know if this is good or not. Is it too much focused on running? I don’t feel like my self worth depends on these things or how running is going. I don’t feel like I am defining myself as a runner. It is still just simply a part of who I am.

However, much of my roaming thoughts tend to have some tie-in. Most of what I do outside of running itself and work is also running related. Is it too much or am I just creating a life centered around what I love?

Is this a sign I should put more thought into making running-focused things a larger part of my career?

I don’t usually let myself think too much about this last sentence. I do believe having a job is beneficial to my athletic and social development. I need a forced break from running and related activities that provides for me. I am lucky to love what I do there and have people who are different than me.

Running is suffocating. Running is joy. Running is love.

Running isn’t everything.

Upon reflection, I need to let this pass. I need to actively practice being present at work until it becomes easier. I simply shouldn’t think about all the other projects I’ve got going on when my attention is needed at hand. That’s not being a good employee, that’s not good for my mental health. I know this. It’s a slippery slope when running becomes everything there is.

Like social media or procrastination, these thoughts are all misuses of attention. What do I want to have my attention? Some days, I wish I was fast enough for running to be my only thing. I wish I could find a way to make it sustainable. These thoughts come after a good workout or some glimmer in a side-hustle or part time job in fitness. However, running simply cannot be the thing that always has my attention.

I need purpose outside of it, because running will break my heart.

Running doesn’t owe me anything. I am grateful for every step, every mile. But running will never love me back. It can’t. Therefore it cannot have my full attention. I know this. But some days, some weeks, it’s so damn hard to turn it off, especially when I am excited about my other projects and hobbies.

It’ll break your heart Ellie. But it can only do that if you give into it. If you give it all you are. And you wont, because I wont let you.

I love running, I think I will for a long time. Hopefully forever.

But for now, I’ll let those all-consuming thoughts, the ones where I see myself being fully immersed, I’ll let them pass. Because I want to love running forever, not just a few good years.