Head above water

I’ve been journaling so frequently these days I forget that isn’t my blog. I’ve often began posts in my mind, which then are forgotten when another thing grabs my attention. It’s all good, not much has changed in my life of note. Usually a race or workout will spur me to post, but the lack of races has forced me to step out of the norm and find something else to ramble about.

I’ll first talk about running because that’s what I do, most days, some days being harder than others. I’ll admit that running felt lackluster for about a month. With no real plan and the looming doom of the planet, I forced myself to spin my wheels looking for meaning. I thought that having no structure, after training for what felt like the past 18 months straight would feel good. I think it would have, if I knew where the end was, when my next competition would be. I have come to terms with not racing in 2020. It simply might be the best course of action and it’s something I will give up and not complain about.

The grief I experienced, more than some and less than some, was real. I told myself I was ok, I new that this feeling would pass and these times would feel like a blip on the radar, but damn it was hard. It still can be hard. Going through stuff, feeling so down, and my best friend and coping mechanism, running, felt so shitty.
I ran less, I biked more, I wore myself down physically and felt it emotionally. I had a come to Jesus moment and asked myself what I wanted. I want to be a good runner and person. I want to make time for projects that fill me up emotionally if not financially. I want to get my head out of my ass.

So the next morning, I woke up, I went for a run, I ate a big breakfast and I journaled. That was my first step. I stopped biking, because it was causing me to feel even more tired for runs. I eat food that fills my soul and my belly. I asked my teammates for their plan. I began to reconnect in a meaningful way. I started interviewing other runners, talking about their experiences. Learning about people, whether asking them myself or reading from other publications or listening to podcasts, is something that fills me up. So I began to do it. Actually do it. This prompted me to learn how to edit my own videos instead of sending them to Ian. I began to get comfortable with my own voice on camera.
I started reading and talking to old friends, reconnecting and building new relationships. I did a tempo workout, and then a second fartlek workout and started to feel good again.
Each day I renew this commitment, I start the day running and journaling, making this a habit now for when I’m busy again. Even if it means I neglect to post a few blogs, I’m getting through. I’m happier than I was, and when I take care of myself, I can take care of others.